“Sex addiction” is a term thrown around without much understanding. It catches our attention because of the famous people who receive press publicity due to their adulterous or sexually deviant behavior. For example, it was recently reported that the actor David Duchovny, who is married with children, entered rehab for sex addiction. In addition, just a few months ago, Eliot Spitzer, the governor of New York got a great deal of publicity, and ultimately resigned, due to sexually “deviant” behavior with prostitutes. And we all recall the publicity that Bill Clinton received for his dalliances.
Let me start out by saying that, in my opinion, most of what is termed to be “sex addiction” is not addiction at all. It is instead a psychologically driven behavior. In English vernacular, people would say that someone who presents with a compulsive behavior is an addict. But having multiple sexual partners is different from alcoholism or drug addiction, both of which are physical / biological dependencies on substances and both of which result in withdrawal (a set of physical symptoms) in the absence of the substance. Although having multiple sexual partners looks like addiction because of the person’s repeating behavioral pattern, the underlying reason behind the behavior is usually not biological and is not always clear.
So how are we to understand this sexual behavior, especially coming from men who have so much to lose? From my practice as a Psychiatrist for over 40 years, I have learned some of the underlying hidden motivations that lead individuals to have multiple sexual partners and extramarital affairs. Here are some of the causes:
1. You grew up with a very rejecting parent – To protect against future rejection, you are likely to not become too emotionally connected with a partner. Having many affairs is one way to achieve this emotional distance and hence maintain your emotional safety.
2. You have a parent or sibling who was or is too dependent on you for fulfillment – In future relationships, you might feel an anxiety about being burdened by your partner’s needs, just as you were burdened by your parent’s needs. Again, creating distance is a way of communicating to your partner not to depend on you too much.
3. You were raised by an authoritarian controlling parent and were required to be excessively submissive and obedient – This may cause you to be fearful of being controlled by your partner. Having many affairs would protect you from being controlled and taken advantage of.
4. You have a parent or sibling who may have been excessively competitive with you for the attention of the opposite sex parent – To protect the parent or sibling from feeling envious of you, you fail in your relationships by having many partners.
5. You have a parent who lives vicariously through your sexual exploits, and you fulfill their needs by demonstrating your sexual promiscuity over and over.
6. Your parent was overly moralistic and critical of sex – You protest against this by rebelling and doing the opposite. You communicate your resentment of your parent’s Victorian morality by having as many affairs as possible.
7. In families where a parent or parents had affairs, their behavior sets an example, “a role model,” of how to behave. For example, in the Kennedy family, Joseph, the father of John, Robert and Ted was very promiscuous, and all of his sons followed suit.
8. If your parent is disdainful and contemptuous of the opposite sex, you may follow suit as a way of not feeling better off or superior.
9. Your parent excessively required you to always please or rescue him or her, and you felt that it was your responsibility to make that parent feel good – You may make it your mission to make the opposite sex feel good, and hence you may get into multiple relationships not because you care about the other person, but because it makes you feel good to make someone of the opposite sex feel good.
As you can see there are many underlying subconscious motives for having affairs. I have worked with many clients dealing with this issue, and it has been my experience that when they come in for therapy, once they identify what the underlying dynamic is, they are able to gain control over it. Please post or email me with any questions.
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