You’ve Got the Ability, So Why Can’t You Overcome Your Problems?

You’ve got the talent and you’ve got the ability, so why can’t you overcome your problems?  You know that if you do your job well you will probably get a raise and/or promotion, so why do you go ahead and sabotage it?  You know that if you save you will probably enjoy a prosperous retirement, so why do you spend carelessly?

When we have problems that we can’t seem to solve, many of us start thinking that we’re lazy, inexperienced or unintelligent.  We think this because the alternative of not being in control of our lives is too scary.  But are we in control of our lives?  You bet we are.  So why is it so hard for us to change the behaviors that are causing us so many problems?  This is because in order to change we must first understand the underlying hidden motivations behind our behaviors.

In order to get to some if these underlying causes, lets first talk about some of the major behaviors that we all hate.

1. I’ll start tomorrow (well maybe the day after tomorrow) – at the time, it may feel great to put off starting a diet, doing your schoolwork or starting a work project, and you may even justify it to yourself and others, but the remorse that inevitably follows feels horrible, but still fails to motivate constructive changes.  When you promise yourself to do better the next time, but you still fail, you are left with a strong sense of betrayal, remorse and guilt for having failed yet again.

2. Are your fantasies a substitute for real satisfaction? – Do you dream of being powerful, admired, creative, great in bed, wealthy, or the world’s greatest parent?  We all have dreams and that is great.  But how often do these dreams remain out of reach despite our great desire to achieve them and despite knowing that our happiness depends on fulfilling them. If you want your fantasies to become reality you need to change.

3. Love, Sex and Romance: Why can’t I get any satisfaction? – Some signs of underlying trouble are: you’re great at seducing someone, but you run the other way as soon as he or she falls in love with you; you lost interest in sex with a willing, attractive and sexy partner, yet there was no such problem at the beginning of the relationship; you need pornography or fantasies with someone else or fantasies of your partner having sex with someone else in order to get aroused; you need a good fight before sex.

4. Another bad relationship – Why do you have the ability to attract a desirable partner but then become critical of him or her?  Why do you (or others) choose partners with qualities that seem so mismatched with your (their) own?

5. When Success and Money Elude You – Have you ever noticed that after accomplishing academic, career or financial goals, some people become anxious or depressed?  Have you ever seen someone avoid taking credit for the successful outcome of a big project while attributing that success to others or to “good luck”?  Isn’t it ironic that the happiness normally associated with personal achievement is replaced by worry, unhappiness or excessive modesty?  Sometimes problems with success and money are really about the following two issues: a lack of assertiveness and power and I’m a worthless nobody.

6. Lack of Power – If you’re susceptible to sales people who want you to buy products that you don’t want and don’t need, your lack of power is showing. And if you always act self-sacrificing and can’t help but put others’ needs before your own, that’s your lack of personal power again. This lack of power can show up at work or at home, and usually shows up in the most unexpected places.

7. I’m a Worthless Nobody – You can’t accept a compliment, you are unable to let yourself be the center of attention, you criticize yourself excessively. These negative thoughts affect your ability to be liked and to feel good about yourself.

8. Are your children little Devils in Disguise – Do your children’s behaviors sometimes provoke you and are they difficult to deal with? Some of these behaviors are a normal part of a child’s early development (for example, acting cooperatively and then immediately afterward refusing to do what you want or getting close to you one minute and then rejecting you the next). If you are very sensitive to any of these behaviors and react by acting hurt or threatened, it will cause your children to behave in more extreme and provoking ways. In order to overcome these problems, you must understand which of your behaviors is responsible for the behaviors that you cannot stand in your child.

Exercise:

Look back over the 8 behaviors I discussed and note your response to each one. If your response is neutral, mark the item with an “N.” If your response has an emotional charge, rate it from 1 to 5 (with one the least charge and 5 the highest). Next to the ones your gloss over very quickly, the ones you want to ignore, put a star. This exercise is an opening to creating an awareness of these behaviors in yourself.

If you have any questions about this blog please post them, and I will get back to you.