Guilt and Rebellion: You’re Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don’t

“Always Be Nice To Others”.

This is a common rule that many of us heard growing up, and on the surface seems like a rule that would cause no harm.  But for the person that suffers from excessive guilt about breaking this rule, it becomes a trap.

Let’s say your parent or sibling always required you to put aside your needs for the needs of others.  Any attempt by you to be self-serving in a very normal, typical way resulted in injurious remarks or maybe even physical abuse.  You may have heard comments like, “How could you be so selfish and ignore your suffering mother?” or “Your brother, your own flesh and blood, needs your help on the computer and all you can think about is writing your college essay and getting into college?”  All these comments target what emotion?  Guilt.

Guilt has caused you to be excessively devoted to others at the expense of your own interests.

How does this play out in your life today?  You become a doormat to others.  You often feel exploited and unappreciated.  And what happens if you one day realize what you are doing and you hate yourself for acting so submissively to people?  You become a person who defiantly responds to all requests, reasonable or not, with “No.”  And sometimes this defiant “no” results in your not doing things that you actually would have liked to do.  Although this rebellious behavior feels like you are standing up for yourself, in reality you could miss out on something that could have been a lot of fun (example- not taking your brother to a basketball game, just because your parents asked you to).  Self-defeating behavior?  You bet.

So Why Do I Do It If It Makes Me Unhappy?

You hate yourself for giving in to these negative inner rules (always be nice to others) just as you hate yourself for giving into the irrational, negative behaviors of your parents.  What does that leave you with?  Resentment?  Where does resentment take you?  To fighting against having to give into these rules, or defiance/ rebellion.  As crazy as it seems, we can be forced to adopt the very same qualities of our parents that we hate.

So How Can I Be in Control of My Life and Change this Behavior?

If you find yourself behaving in ways that you hate and feel unable to change, you’re probably acting according to unconscious destructive mental rules.  How do you change these destructive rules?  It would be nice if it was as simple as scanning your brain files, just as Norton scans your computer files to rid it of viruses.  Although it isn’t this simple, there are ways to make fulfillment, success, and happiness a part of your future.

There are things that you can do today, things you can carry through with tomorrow and the days to come, that will begin the process.  Do the exercise below.  It will begin to give you an idea of who voice it is you hear in the back of your head at different times and in different situations.  It will allow you to understand what you grew up hearing and how it continues to affect you today.  These underlying causes of behaviors can be changed, but only after you identify them.  By doing the exercise below you will identify some of these underlying causes and begin the process towards long-lasting change.

Exercise:

Make a list of your “Impractical Problems.”  Why are these a problem?  What are the other problems that they create?  What runs through your head when you think about these problems?  Have you ever heard the message running through your head before?  Where?

One example is:

I like to watch sports on TV on the weekends.

Why is this a problem?  My wife/girlfriend doesn’t like to.

What new problem does this create?  We fight, but I insist on doing it.

What bigger problem does that create?  I feel uncomfortable watching sports on TV.

What other problem does that create?  She pulls away from me.

What’s running through my head?  I’m stubborn as a mule.  No one tells me what to do.

If you have any questions please post them and I will get back to you speedily.

You’ve Got the Ability, So Why Can’t You Overcome Your Problems?

You’ve got the talent and you’ve got the ability, so why can’t you overcome your problems?  You know that if you do your job well you will probably get a raise and/or promotion, so why do you go ahead and sabotage it?  You know that if you save you will probably enjoy a prosperous retirement, so why do you spend carelessly?

When we have problems that we can’t seem to solve, many of us start thinking that we’re lazy, inexperienced or unintelligent.  We think this because the alternative of not being in control of our lives is too scary.  But are we in control of our lives?  You bet we are.  So why is it so hard for us to change the behaviors that are causing us so many problems?  This is because in order to change we must first understand the underlying hidden motivations behind our behaviors.

In order to get to some if these underlying causes, lets first talk about some of the major behaviors that we all hate.

1. I’ll start tomorrow (well maybe the day after tomorrow) – at the time, it may feel great to put off starting a diet, doing your schoolwork or starting a work project, and you may even justify it to yourself and others, but the remorse that inevitably follows feels horrible, but still fails to motivate constructive changes.  When you promise yourself to do better the next time, but you still fail, you are left with a strong sense of betrayal, remorse and guilt for having failed yet again.

2. Are your fantasies a substitute for real satisfaction? – Do you dream of being powerful, admired, creative, great in bed, wealthy, or the world’s greatest parent?  We all have dreams and that is great.  But how often do these dreams remain out of reach despite our great desire to achieve them and despite knowing that our happiness depends on fulfilling them. If you want your fantasies to become reality you need to change.

3. Love, Sex and Romance: Why can’t I get any satisfaction? – Some signs of underlying trouble are: you’re great at seducing someone, but you run the other way as soon as he or she falls in love with you; you lost interest in sex with a willing, attractive and sexy partner, yet there was no such problem at the beginning of the relationship; you need pornography or fantasies with someone else or fantasies of your partner having sex with someone else in order to get aroused; you need a good fight before sex.

4. Another bad relationship – Why do you have the ability to attract a desirable partner but then become critical of him or her?  Why do you (or others) choose partners with qualities that seem so mismatched with your (their) own?

5. When Success and Money Elude You – Have you ever noticed that after accomplishing academic, career or financial goals, some people become anxious or depressed?  Have you ever seen someone avoid taking credit for the successful outcome of a big project while attributing that success to others or to “good luck”?  Isn’t it ironic that the happiness normally associated with personal achievement is replaced by worry, unhappiness or excessive modesty?  Sometimes problems with success and money are really about the following two issues: a lack of assertiveness and power and I’m a worthless nobody.

6. Lack of Power – If you’re susceptible to sales people who want you to buy products that you don’t want and don’t need, your lack of power is showing. And if you always act self-sacrificing and can’t help but put others’ needs before your own, that’s your lack of personal power again. This lack of power can show up at work or at home, and usually shows up in the most unexpected places.

7. I’m a Worthless Nobody – You can’t accept a compliment, you are unable to let yourself be the center of attention, you criticize yourself excessively. These negative thoughts affect your ability to be liked and to feel good about yourself.

8. Are your children little Devils in Disguise – Do your children’s behaviors sometimes provoke you and are they difficult to deal with? Some of these behaviors are a normal part of a child’s early development (for example, acting cooperatively and then immediately afterward refusing to do what you want or getting close to you one minute and then rejecting you the next). If you are very sensitive to any of these behaviors and react by acting hurt or threatened, it will cause your children to behave in more extreme and provoking ways. In order to overcome these problems, you must understand which of your behaviors is responsible for the behaviors that you cannot stand in your child.

Exercise:

Look back over the 8 behaviors I discussed and note your response to each one. If your response is neutral, mark the item with an “N.” If your response has an emotional charge, rate it from 1 to 5 (with one the least charge and 5 the highest). Next to the ones your gloss over very quickly, the ones you want to ignore, put a star. This exercise is an opening to creating an awareness of these behaviors in yourself.

If you have any questions about this blog please post them, and I will get back to you.

You are not at fault for Your Parents

Why is it that when a stranger is unpleasant to us we find it much easier to not accept responsibility and respond with “What’s up with him?”, but when your parents are upset at you, you automatically blame yourself?  It’s hard to imagine that you have the power to inflict so much pain on our parents or siblings just by being yourself and doing the normal things you do, and it is hard to imagine that you are always at fault for their upsetness and their resulting guilt-provoking behavior.  But after constant experiences of parents or siblings who act hurt, threatened, or angered by your normal behaviors, you begin to assume that your behavior was responsible for provoking their feelings.  This belief leads to long-lasting feelings of (unconscious) guilt.

As children we believe that if our parents get angry, the world will turn upside down.  We therefore know that in order to maintain harmony, our parents must be appeased, and amends must be made when we hurt them.  Since we lack the knowledge to understand the reasons behind our parents’ anger when it occurs, we assume that we have angered them, and we therefore alter our normal behavior in order to placate them and alleviate the punishment.  However, in order to placate our parents, we sometimes make accommodations that are detrimental to our well-being.  We sometimes resent ourselves for appeasing our parents at our own expense.  This resentment may also trap up is self-defeating responses as we go through life.  For example, we might rebel against an overly needy mother and become unresponsive to anyone who wants our interest.  Or, in response to a controlling parent, we might become stubborn, defiant and disagreeable, no matter how severe the cost to us.  These behaviors may end up undermining our relationships with others and also our goals.  The particular way in which you tried placating your parents, or atoning, in order to relieve your sense of guilt will explain some of your self-defeating life patterns.

When as a child you changed yourself to make your parents happy, or at least not make them angry, did you know what you were changing and why?  Did you really understand what the problem was, and if not how could you possibly have been expected to fix it?  And so when you would try to fix it, it most likely would not work and the guilt cycle would continue.

I want you to know why it’s so hard to free ourselves of the behaviors we hate no matter how hard we try, not matter how much willpower we exert, no matter how much advice we receive from others.  To understand why it is so hard, we’ll delve into why our childhood patterns continue on into our adult lives even though they are clearly negative patterns and we are no longer living with our parents.  The negative effects of our family experiences remain hidden from our conscious minds, even though this information is critical to changing what we most dislike about ourselves.  As I continue in this blog, you will become aware of the whys behind your behavior, and you will hopefully begin to make positive changes in your negative behaviors.

We’ll start with a little exercise right now.  Imagine that you were reborn into your family, with all the knowledge that your possess right now.

What would be different for you in your relationship with your mother, father and siblings?

If you have any questions about this post please ask and I will get back to you.