Guilt as Manipulation: the Knife Twist and the Bludgeon

One form of manipulation you may have experienced from your parent is the “knife twist.” A child whose parents want him or her to be excessively devoted to them, no matter how unpleasant it is, may communicate this message through statements such as “I’m so miserable without you,” or “How could you be so selfish and so inconsiderate of me?” or “After all I’ve sacrificed for you.” As a result of this “knife twisting” the child, and later on the adult, may fear being too devoted and as a result may be afraid of close relationships. This adult may end up on a never ending search for love.

Another form of guilt provoking manipulation is the “bludgeon.” This occurs when a child acts independently of his or her authoritarian parent causing the parent to lose control, explode in anger, and scream at the child because of his or her lack of obedience or submissiveness. This may result in a child or adult rebelling against his or her controlling parents through self-defeating behaviors such as overeating, becoming overweight and staying that way.

“Whether it’s a slowly twisting knife, a bludgeoning from a hammer, an icy stare or a cold shoulder, the effect of these over-emotional displays of exaggerated suffering is the same – to manipulate you to change a normal behavior or abandon a normal goal. But why would you change what is normal and acceptable? Because you feel so guilty for inflicting such terrible pain, you’ll conform to their personality flaws no matter how resentful or damaging that may be for your life.” (These excerpts were taken from my book Self-Help for Smarties: Success Secrets for Weight Loss, Love and Sex, Wealth and Parenting).

In order to begin the process of change, we must first understand the causes of our problems that are lurking below the surface of any problem. Think about the following: if you could be reborn into a new family, what would be different in your relationship with your mother, father and siblings? In future blogs, I will provide excerpts from my book Self-Help for Smarties, and we will begin the hunt for the underlying causes to many of our self-defeating behaviors.

If you have any questions about this post please ask and I will get back to you.

Unconscious Fear of Success

Have the dynamics of your family affected you and influenced the way you relate to the world? If so, this blog may offer you insight into your self-defeating behaviors, and you may benefit from some of the self help techniques I will offer here.

For example, a particularly competitive parent or sibling, one who acts threatened by someone else’s achievements, could result in a child who has an unconscious fear of succeeding, despite his or her great potential. I once had a client who was an intelligent, hard-working and very accomplished man, but, in spite of this, he had low self-esteem. In working with him, I uncovered that in this man’s family his brother was always thought of as the “smart one” and he was the “hard-working one.” He had repressed memories of his parents recognizing his early reading and math skills as a child because his younger brother would sulk and withdraw from the family. “He falsely assumed that his brother’s unhappiness was a result of his early accomplishments, and that caused him to feel irrationally responsible and guilty. As a result of these hidden guilt feelings, and to protect his brother, he not only believed that he wasn’t smart, but for a period of time had [actually] forgotten how to do math.”

If you have any questions about this post, please ask and I will get back to you.